June 08, 2018 On Photography and the Loss of Innocence In the Midst of Things BY Sarah Hiatt Even as a child I was always very aware of death. Maybe it is the awareness of mortality that represents a loss of innocence. My interest in photographing children comes from... Even as a child I was always very aware of death. Maybe it is the awareness ... Read More
March 28, 2018 On Parenting a Child with a Disability Jay's Diary BY Grace Gregory In January of 2010, Lucas Dean was born with a hole in his back where his spinal cord had not fused together completely—a condition called spina bifida.... In January of 2010, Lucas Dean was born with a hole in his back where his sp... Read More
March 27, 2018 On Teaching a Child About Racism Tears for my Black Boy BY Kimberly Seals Allers Last week, while standing on a stage and giving a presentation at a national conference, I broke down crying. I never saw it coming. I was talking, as I often do, about the hi... Last week, while standing on a stage and giving a presentation at a national... Read More
March 26, 2018 On Giving Children the Space to Discover Themselves My Hypochondriac, Myself BY Kathleen Dennehy While losing my already threadbare patience over Grace’s panicked belief that she would have to have her entire hand amputated due to a hangnail, I can’t help wonder if sh... While losing my already threadbare patience over Grace’s panicked belief t... Read More
March 23, 2018 On Nurturing Our Children and Ourselves Planting Seeds BY Nimo Patel Our world is quite conditioned and wired to celebrate the fruits. But the real beauty in life is planting seeds and nurturing the roots. Though I’m not a biological parent, ... Our world is quite conditioned and wired to celebrate the fruits. But the re... Read More
March 21, 2018 On School Shootings from a Parent's Perspective The Fire Burns BY Kaili Hollister-Stanton After the Parkland shooting, a fire grew within me that I knew would not die out any time soon. A parent-teacher conference was held one week after the shooting, and as I stoo... After the Parkland shooting, a fire grew within me that I knew would not die... Read More
March 19, 2018 On Being Trans and Childhood Trauma Untangling My Past, Braiding My Future BY Zaitouna Kusto “You love sushi too much to ever handle being pregnant,” my partner always tells me. It’s true, but also, I’m a trans woman and don’t have a uterus.... “You love sushi too much to ever handle being pregnant,” my partner alwa... Read More
March 16, 2018 On Seeing Our Pain Reflected In Our Children Motherhood's Mirror BY Lucia H I brought my daughter into the world through a haze of what felt like the most intense, on-going agony I had ever known. An experience of childbirth which over the course of 3... I brought my daughter into the world through a haze of what felt like the mo... Read More
March 14, 2018 On the Startling Self-Discoveries of Pregnancy Hiccups BY Kerri Harper-Howie What I had no solution for were Caleb’s in utero hiccups that not only jolted my belly, but heightened and awakened every ounce of fear in my body.... What I had no solution for were Caleb’s in utero hiccups that not only jol... Read More
March 12, 2018 On Parenting A Child Through Their Pain When We Were Beautiful BY Elizabeth Bertsch The surgeon sat on the examination table next to our daughter to explain why she needed another operation. Bridie looked down at the floor while he spoke, biting her lip, and ... The surgeon sat on the examination table next to our daughter to explain why... Read More
March 09, 2018 On Reparenting Your Inner Child With Love Tara Brach: Spiritual Reparenting BY Tara Brach When we are not sufficiently nurtured in childhood, we are inclined toward anxiety, depression, addiction and other forms of suffering. In a deep way, we do not feel at home w... When we are not sufficiently nurtured in childhood, we are inclined toward a... Read More
March 07, 2018 On Moments in Motherhood Playing Mama BY Nirrimi Firebrace Sometimes raising a toddler is wonderful. While I’m showering Alba kisses me through the glass door, time stands still as her little lips press against mine on the other sid... Sometimes raising a toddler is wonderful. While I’m showering Alba kisses ... Read More
March 05, 2018 On Parenting a Child with Cancer Notes To My Daughter BY Yuri Chung This is an excerpt from Yuri Angela Chung’s series, Notes To A Friend written about her experience with breast cancer after being diagnosed at the age of 25, and again with ... This is an excerpt from Yuri Angela Chung’s series, Notes To A Friend writ... Read More
March 02, 2018 March 2018 Theme Vox Pop: Parenting BY Grace Gregory Each month at ENDPAIN, we select a question related to our monthly theme that guides our content. This March, we chose to explore the theme of Parenting, and asked our readers... Each month at ENDPAIN, we select a question related to our monthly theme tha... Read More
February 06, 2018 On loving the present and holding hope for the future Butterfly Baby BY Matt Holwick When Makenzie arrived into the world, her parents were shocked to see their sweet baby girl missing skin on most of her limbs. Born with Recessive Dystrophic Epidermolysis Bul... When Makenzie arrived into the world, her parents were shocked to see their ... Watch
January 18, 2018 On Releasing Expectations in our Relationships Our Flawed Parents BY Grace Gregory Reframing our important relationships, with our parents or otherwise, is some of the most important self-care work we can do, and it begins with the practice of radical accept... Reframing our important relationships, with our parents or otherwise, is som... Read More
January 16, 2018 On Reconciling Generational Perspectives on Mental Health The Snowflakes Vs. The Stoics BY Grace Gregory I went to college during a moment of widespread cultural change. Throughout my four years at Vassar, what has been described as “PC culture” became the norm, and with it e... I went to college during a moment of widespread cultural change. Throughout ... Read More
January 15, 2018 On Giving Up What No Longer Serves You Goodbye To My Old Friend, Marijuana BY Stephen McCarty Before I was a chef, I had a career playing psychedelic rock music. It was an amazing experience, traveling the world, making records, and playing hundreds of shows, sometimes... Before I was a chef, I had a career playing psychedelic rock music. It was a... Read More
January 10, 2018 Audio Diary: Ruby Frankel Borderline & Family, Part 2 BY Grace Gregory Individuals with BPD often struggle to maintain healthy relationships. The reasons are manifold: a deep fear of abandonment, the tendency to split between idolization and deva... Individuals with BPD often struggle to maintain healthy relationships. The r... Read More
November 15, 2017 On Mourning What Could Have Been Breaking Roadblocks BY Cara Tyrrell Every day since Emma died my world has been full of roadblocks. Parenting, in the child’s first decade at least, is like being on the offensive line for a winning football t... Every day since Emma died my world has been full of roadblocks. Parenting, i... Read More
October 25, 2017 On Teen Homelessness and Resilience Another Temporary Home BY Elizabeth Shoben Trauma. This is a word I know all too well. From the time I was a small child, trauma followed me around. A few days before I turned six, my dad died. I was already down one p... Trauma. This is a word I know all too well. From the time I was a small chil... Read More
October 02, 2017 On Telling Our Pain Stories Healing & Scars BY Sierra Klotz A hemangioma is very common and is medium-term, meaning it “often resolves within a few months.” That was not the case with me. While I was very, very young and I don't re... A hemangioma is very common and is medium-term, meaning it “often resolves... Read More
September 20, 2017 On Finding Peace In the Moment Me & My Spots BY Ethan Stewart It’s messy work trying to piece together any semblance of sustained personal happiness through all this. I try daily but fail more often than I succeed. I’m prone to wild ... It’s messy work trying to piece together any semblance of sustained person... Read More
August 23, 2017 On Making Art from a Father’s Debris The Aftermath of Accumulations BY Jaclyn Mednicov When artist Jaclyn Mednicov's father passed away, she transitioned from caregiver to mourner, finding healing and peace in making art from his belongings.... When artist Jaclyn Mednicov's father passed away, she transitioned from care... Read More
August 18, 2017 On Finding Your Place In The World El Deafo: A Book Review BY Alison Hersel In “El Deafo,” Author and Illustrator Cece Bell delivers a heart warming autobiographical account of her experiences growing up deaf from the age of four as a result of me... In “El Deafo,” Author and Illustrator Cece Bell delivers a heart warming... Read More
August 02, 2017 On Learning to Accept Change The Good Divorce BY Haley Tiffany By the time I was 14, the tension and arguments were no longer a difficulty we had to just “tolerate”—there was a more serious problem. I saw my parents change, losing w... By the time I was 14, the tension and arguments were no longer a difficulty ... Read More
July 24, 2017 On finding healing through nature A Wolf's Journey BY Randall Sims Up until April 24, 2014, I had never slept a single night without anxiety, fear, or anger in my life. That day was significant because it was my first ever attempt at an ultra... Up until April 24, 2014, I had never slept a single night without anxiety, f... Read More
July 12, 2017 On Filipino Factory Workers in Silicon Valley Toxic Legacy: an interview with poet Janice Lobo Sapiago BY Clay Kerrigan Janice Sapigao is a Filipino poet and educator living in San Jose, CA. Her chapbook, Toxic City, expanded into a full-length book of poetry called Microchips for Millions, whi... Janice Sapigao is a Filipino poet and educator living in San Jose, CA. Her c... Read More
July 03, 2017 On choosing to let go of your son How It Feels to Terminate BY Dawn Cunningham Vincent and I are sitting in a room of Dr. Lin’s office in the Radiation Oncology Department of Lutheran Hospital. Dr. Lin has been a part of this since the first tumor was ... Vincent and I are sitting in a room of Dr. Lin’s office in the Radiation O... Read More
June 17, 2017 ON HEALING TRAUMA THROUGH THE POWER OF STORY An Interview with the Director of "Moon Child" BY Robyn Carey Sanyal When Director James Mills first began his short documentary film, “Moon Child,” his intention was not to showcase his family’s eccentricities, but rather to explore his ... When Director James Mills first began his short documentary film, “Moon Ch... Read More
June 10, 2017 On love and healing intergenerational trauma Moon Child BY James Mills Three generations of women tell the story of Vina Schmitt, self-proclaimed “Moon Child,” while exploring issues of addiction, trauma, mental health, love, and acceptance.... Three generations of women tell the story of Vina Schmitt, self-proclaimed ... Watch
May 29, 2017 On Weight and Its Emotional Battle Just Weight BY Kristy Grazioso “Step up on the scale there, sweetie – yup, we just have to record your weight... Got it, 138, okay, you can hop down.” 138. Not bad. I walk back to my seat at the meeti... “Step up on the scale there, sweetie – yup, we just have to record your ... Read More
May 10, 2017 On Celebrating Lost Parents Don't Forget BY Kristen Martin When I was growing up in a middle-class town on Long Island in the 1990s, we didn’t do much to celebrate Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. There were no brunches, no breakf... When I was growing up in a middle-class town on Long Island in the 1990s, we... Read More
April 19, 2017 ON FAMILY, CHRONIC PAIN & ART IN THE FACE OF TRAGEDY Invisible Illness: The Making of a Brave Man BY Bobby Earle In this heartbreaking story of love and family, photographers Bobby Earle and his five-year-old son Clive take to Instagram to document their days for Clive’s mom, Lindsay, ... In this heartbreaking story of love and family, photographers Bobby Earle an... Read More
April 19, 2017 On Pain & Poetry For Clive BY Lindsay Earle “This world. This world… our bright grieving world. We spin heavy with ache. We drift quietly down a current of stars. There’s pain all around, in and throughout... “This world. This world… our bright grieving world. We spin heavy with a... Read More
April 17, 2017 On Life After Suicide Sometimes, The Bull Wins BY Whitney Saleski The moment I found out that my dad killed himself, my old life was over. For a long time after that, I hid from every perceptible change: I didn’t want to laugh or date or s... The moment I found out that my dad killed himself, my old life was over. For... Read More
April 13, 2017 ON THE LENGTHS WE GO TO FOR LOVED ONES Realm of Caring BY Andy Reale When there’s a mother’s will, there’s a way, and this mother, Heather Jackson, stops at nothing to get help for her son, Zaki. Since the age of four months old, Zaki has... When there’s a mother’s will, there’s a way, and this mother, Heather ... Watch
March 29, 2017 ON THE POWER OF CEREMONY IN THE FACE OF LOSS Kotsuage BY Roland Kelts In the five years since the triple disasters, over 18,000 are officially tallied as perished, some two to three-thousand of whose bodies have not yet been found.... In the five years since the triple disasters, over 18,000 are officially tal... Read More
March 20, 2017 On Chronic Illness & The Pain We Hide From Each Other Pain Detective BY Amy Feltman We’re careful when we talk to each other. She doesn’t want to worry me; I don’t want to worry her. I’m not in pain. I am not. But we both know that the other is someti... We’re careful when we talk to each other. She doesn’t want to worry me; ... Read More
March 01, 2017 On misdiagnosis & endometriosis Endometriosis & Second Days BY Kaavya Ramesh In tenth grade, I started throwing up on the second day of every menstrual cycle. It was a cycle, on a precisely timed clock, and I learned its rules: any food on the second... In tenth grade, I started throwing up on the second day of every menstrual c... Read More
February 15, 2017 On creating art with youth impacted by HIV/AIDS The Magic of Camp Hollywood Heart BY Victor Yates After teaching at the camp for three years, knowing what to say has not become easier, but knowing what to provide has, such as more writing prompts that force the students to... After teaching at the camp for three years, knowing what to say has not beco... Read More
February 13, 2017 ON FAMILY, PHOTOGRAPHY & MENTAL ILLNESS Aim Your Camera Just At Me BY Melissa Spitz “Could you sometimes put flowers on my grave?” Deborah Adams asks in a suicide note she’s written in sprawling, loopy handwriting to her children. The note lives on a... “Could you sometimes put flowers on my grave?” Deborah Adams asks in a s... Read More
February 08, 2017 On Laughing In The Face of Pain A Duck Bit It Off BY Aaron Gilbreath In his 1957 cover of the blues standard “Trouble in Mind,” Arkansas guitarist Big Bill Broonzy sings: When you see me laughing, I'm laughing just to keep from crying... In his 1957 cover of the blues standard “Trouble in Mind,” Arkansas guit... Read More
November 21, 2016 ON LIVING WITH PAIN & HELPING OTHERS The Midwife BY Michael Cameneti Nicole Young has enough hospital bracelets from ER visits to fill a gallon-large bag. Her mysterious stomach spasms leave her unable to enjoy the food she cooks for family, an... Nicole Young has enough hospital bracelets from ER visits to fill a gallon-l... Watch
January 18, 2017 On Motherhood & Inherited Trauma Nine Days Alone With A Newborn BY Suvi Mahonen Growing up, I always knew there was some kind of dark secret surrounding my paternal grandmother. We never talked about her, for one... Growing up, I always knew there was some kind of dark secret surrounding my ... Read More
December 19, 2016 On What Remains Memorial BY Santi Holley After my mother died, it fell to my older brother and me to handle her affairs, make the arrangements, and empty her house of her belongings. My brother and I live on opposite... After my mother died, it fell to my older brother and me to handle her affai... Read More
December 12, 2016 On caring for your previous caretaker Still The Teacher BY Sue Favor My dad has trouble eating. His head is always bowed slightly due to Parkinson’s disease. He’ll gingerly stab at whatever food is in front of him and then slowly guide... My dad has trouble eating. His head is always bowed slightly due to Parkinso... Read More
November 28, 2016 On Childbirth, Anxiety, and Changed Plans A Real Boy BY Katie Cortese I didn’t want kids, at first. Or at least not right away. In my twenties I couldn’t imagine being responsible for anything but the yellow, peanut-shaped cactus that sat on... I didn’t want kids, at first. Or at least not right away. In my twenties I... Read More
November 07, 2016 ON MASCULINITY & FACING DEATH Before the Tall Grass BY Kevin Maloney But this type of cowboy self-reliance has a price. In elevating the macho, it spurns the vulnerable, and for a certain type of man there’s nothing more vulnerable than... But this type of cowboy self-reliance has a price. In elevating the macho, i... Read More
October 31, 2016 On Dogs and Rage Raising Innocents BY Clay Kerrigan The morning after graduating from my master’s program, my boyfriend looked at me over a table covered in empty glasses of mimosas and bloody Marys and asked, “Wanna look a... The morning after graduating from my master’s program, my boyfriend looked... Read More
October 25, 2016 On scarlet fever, folk remedies & the evil eye Mal de Ojo BY Joaquin Trujillo As a child in rural Mexico, I was believed to be the victim of this spiritual affliction when I contracted scarlet fever and nearly died, suffering permanent eye damage... As a child in rural Mexico, I was believed to be the victim of this spiritua... Read More
October 25, 2016 On Boxing as Therapy Fighting for Mom BY Timothy Lewis My boxing teacher tells me I’m too tense, that I hold everything in my neck and shoulders. Loosen up, he tells me. When that doesn’t work, he calls me a model citizen and... My boxing teacher tells me I’m too tense, that I hold everything in my nec... Read More
October 13, 2016 SPOTLIGHT ON TRAVIS MAUCK My Father's Son BY James Mills Meet Travis Mauck, ENDPAIN’s video producer. “I really didn’t feel like I could ask people to share some of the most personal things that have ever happened to them with... Meet Travis Mauck, ENDPAIN’s video producer. “I really didn’t feel lik... Watch
March 03, 2017 On Grieving Pearls of Wisdom BY Erica Sardarian Kristina Raso discusses seeking light at the end of a dark tunnel after losing both of her parents at a young age and how one can turn a negative into action and positivity.... Kristina Raso discusses seeking light at the end of a dark tunnel after losi... Watch
October 13, 2016 ON FAMILY & MENTAL ILLNESS Shimmer in the Dark: Growing Up with Narcissistic Personality Disorder BY Ashley Anthony It was a grey midday in Moorpark, California, a sleepy suburb flanked by fertile farmland and soft rolling hills.... It was a grey midday in Moorpark, California, a sleepy suburb flanked by fer... Read More
October 13, 2016 ON THE LOSS OF A LOVED ONE Alex BY Chloe Gordon All through my high school years, I thought my little brother might die. He had Type 1 diabetes and epilepsy, both diagnosed in adolescence. Managing the two conditions... All through my high school years, I thought my little brother might die. He ... Read More
October 13, 2016 ON LIVING WITH A RARE DISEASE Yellow BY Santi Holley I was born yellow. I don’t mean that I was born a coward (though many people I’ve known might say otherwise). I was born with a rare disease that gave me severe jaundice... I was born yellow. I don’t mean that I was born a coward (though many peop... Read More
